AltWeeklies Wire » Culture » Advice

Miss Adventure - Douching

By Miss Adventure
Boston Phoenix | November 17, 2005
Dear Miss Adventure;

How does one go about dealing with a woman who never douches? It seems that telling a woman she plain stinks is a deal breaker, sexually speaking.

-Cunning Linguist

Dear Cunning;

It’s true that all women have their own unique scent, but fishy smells are best kept by the seaside. Douching is a bit of a mystery to men and women alike, but we will not stay in the dark and simply hold our nose as we dive deep into the muff. Let’s de-stink your darling!

Just the Facts, Ma’am

Douching is the cleaning of the honey pot. Chicks use solutions usually found at CVS. These magical potions are held in a bottle and then squirted into the cooch through tubing and a nozzle. Gals douche to rinse away blood after a period, clean the snatch after a man catch, and reduce odors.

The Truth About the Douche

A yummy-scented love hole is a beauteous thing. In reality, health care providers rarely recommend douching because it disrupts the balance of chemicals and opens the door for mean and nasty Mr. Bacterial Infection. When you sweetly suggest the scent squirt, understand she can surely say, “Shove it!”

It’s Not You, It’s Me. Or Maybe It Is You.

Typically, if a woman’s smell is strongly unpleasant, she is able to smell it, too. The proof is in the pudding. If her smell repulses you, think of the positive side of the situation: she might have an STD, such as Chlamydia or HPV, and because you can’t get aroused with the putrid aroma, you’re saving yourself from later leakage and a trip to the chemist. Antibiotics are not sexy.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat, Mon Petit!

The best way to keep the clam fragrant is by bathing regularly, controlling perspiration levels, wearing cotton panties, and changing one’s diet. Help your honey out. Suggest a sensual bath or shower. Make certain you have air-conditioning in your bedroom so your sweetheart isn’t sweltering and becoming a sweat hog. Go to a lingerie store and pretend that her options are open, but zero-in on the cotton panties. And if you see her heading for a garlicky buffet, stop her in the name of oral love. Stock her up with sweet fruit juices. Make her promise she’ll swear off asparagus and then take her down to pleasure town, where the tongues keep lickin’ all night long!
Tags: advice columns

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