Darlings, as many of you know, it’s never a dull moment on the internet. Those few spare moments I don’t have my legs in the air, over the shoulders of my latest date or prepping for my next hot session of my patented new sex yoga, I’m constantly pointing and clicking to find new URLs of titillation. If only I could close my office door and do my, ahem, research at work, my days may not seem so dull and speed by more quickly and much much more excitedly. But as you other government workers know, you don’t want one of those nasty red screens alerting your district supervisor of your bawdy browsing. But that’s a minor complaint, as I’m content to save my sultry surfing for home, where I can don whatever outfit (or lack thereof) I desire, where I have no worries about mopping up lube from my desk chair, and I don’t have to worry about being walked in on by a fellow worker.

So, last night yours truly was freshly home from the office and doing my nightly troll around the web for interesting sites. After a quick click through my bookmarks bar, I came to the conclusion that I was bored with all my usual haunts. Seeing that I was a little tired and didn’t really have the energy to be more specific in my search, I simply Googled “porn” to see what the internet fates would hoist upon my randy mind. Despite the shock of seeing that Google had found 134,000,000 sites, (I thought it’d be more by now!) the fourth site on the list got my attention. Vegan Porn?!

Now, you loyal Ringoites know I’m a curious type, so I moved my mouse over and after a moment of antici . . . pation, I clicked. I knew something was out of the ordinary when I wasn’t met with a bunch of pesky pop-up windows. But what perplexed me even more was the lack of naked flesh on the first page! Nary a boob or ball in sight. But I figured I had come this far, so I may as well poke around a bit. There was bound to be something to excite me, after all, as one of my regular boink buddies says, “You get excited when the wind changes!” Guilty!

Initially what I found was news about veganism and stories of horrendous animal cruelty. Not exactly subjects that got me feeling saucy. (But speaking of sauce, I did find a list of which alcoholic beverages are vegan-friendly—handy knowledge for those future dates with friendly vegans!)

I also stumbled across the site’s raison d’etre on the FAQ page. As to using the misleading term “porn” in their title, the site’s owners use the vixen of vocabulary Merriam-Webster as they describe pornography as “the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick, intense emotional reaction.” The site certainly succeeds at that, but I was still horny! Being the stubborn nympho that I am, I kept searching rather than giving up and just clicking my way over to www.penisbot.com.

I checked out the Vegan Porn Store link. The “Veggie Lovers” T-shirt that featured a rather erect looking carrot almost made me get up from my desk and raid the vegetable crisper for some stiff organic company. But sadly my sexual psyche has been irreversibly scarred against using veggies as sex toys. About 10 years ago, a bad funk band from Nanaimo, called Amoral Minority, whose only plus was a cute and friendly drummer, put out a terrible song with such gag-worthy (metaphorically darlings, as I overcame my gag reflex years ago) lines as “Do me with a rutabaga!” But I devilishly digress. And another VP T-shirt design made me laugh at the thought of a slogan/phrase I never imagined uttering: “Tofu Makes Me Horny.” But laughs aside, I still wasn’t finding anything to turn me on.

Then I spied with my dirty little eyes a link for Users. There had to be some sexy vegan visitors to the site who’d want to toss my salad. Scrolling through the member lists, sadly only a few of the members had photos on their profiles. But some of the Vegan Porn user nicknames certainly caught my eye. How can you not lust after someone with an alias such as Bruno Von Lederhosen, PepperPants, Candy Lovehandles and Spunk Guzzler. Darlings, in the split second it took to read those names, my overactive imagination already had Bruno stripped of his lederhosen and he was using his tongue and salad tongs to stimulate various parts of my hungry body while he massaged Newman’s Own Light Raspberry & Walnut dressing on my nipples.

The combined thought of Bruno’s actions with the addition of Paul Newman showing up to lend his sexpertise did the trick rather quickly, but in my afterglow, the last name on the aforementioned list of naughty VP user names led me to once again ponder a question that’s been on my saucy mind (and the minds of many others) for a long time: Do vegans swallow?

Think about it. Humans are mammals and therefore animals (and some of us are more animal than others!). So do vegans swallow fluids produced by humans? I posted the question the the very busy Vegan Porn chat forum and as I predicted, the two responses (so far) were overly serious, condemning yours truly for asking an inappropriate question that they believed I was only posing to get a rise out of vegans. But as you readers know, I take my research very seriously. I just wish these users were as much fun as some of their nicknames.

Where the internet failed me, good old fashioned face-to-face communication proved to be more effective. I posed the question to three vegans that I know who luckily have a sense of humour and are not so tightly wound that they are set off by a simple question. Since I had already had several trips to the naughty cabbage patch with one of them, I already knew his answer was a resounding “Yes!” One of my other, more quickwitted paramours quipped, “Only if the subject is free range.” The last answer came from a lovely vegan lass who said she didn’t swallow, but it had nothing to do with ethics, just a matter of preference.

Regardless, as a bona fide (or is that boner fide?) meat eater, it was a rather interesting trip in to the world of vegans. But I’m still pondering that vegans swallowing question, so any of you vegans who want to lend a hand (or throat), drop me a line and enlighten yours truly. M

ringowilde@yahoo.ca