So you’re staying home on New Year’s Eve? No, really, nothing wrong with that; there are sadder things. Like, say, what’s being programmed for you shut-ins—here are some TV choices that may change your mind, with according Homebody Security threat-level color code:

New Year’s Rockin’ Eve (ABC): For the first time in 86 years, Dick Clark won’t be hosting his New Year’s Rockin’ Eve special, reportedly due to health problems and the nation’s depleted supply of virgin blood. One glance at the musical lineup, however, and it’s obvious why Eternal Dick is sending in youngster Regis Philbin to run the show: Billy Idol (pimping a new album even he doesn’t care about—and he’ll do “White Wedding”!), Big & Rich (the worst thing to happen to country music since AA), Good Charlotte (the worst thing to happen to mall punk since Blink 41), Ciara (marginally talented R&B hoochie), Fabolous (marginally talented R&B himbo), Simple Plan (the worst thing to happen to mall punk since Good Charlotte) and Ashlee Simpson (talentless and homely sister of Jessica, who’s at least talentless and hot). Homebody Security code: Burnt Orange (Turn off TV, leave house).

New Year’s Eve: Live From Times Square With Ryan Seacrest (Fox): As if having the Assclown Antichrist host weren’t bad enough, his co-host is Brooke Burns of Fox’s washout soap North Shore—but wait, it gets worse: Besides is-this-really-necessary? performances by Evanescence and Hoobastank, Usher (who’s already put in face time on every trophy show this year but the Country Music Awards—and he lost his invite to that) will present an “exclusive” showing of his 20-minute “mini-movie,” Rhythm City Vol. 1: Money, Power, Respect. Show of hands: Who’s already excited for Vol. 2? Homebody Security code: Hellfire Red (Burn TV, bury in backyard).

New Year’s Eve With Carson Daly (NBC): He’s not as inherently evil as Ryan Seacrest, and Last Call host Carson “Perma-Stubble” Daly, while blessed with the interviewing skills of a carrot, does at least feature some of the coolest musical acts this side of the indie record shop down the street on his show—but that’s at 1 in the morning. For NBC’s first-ever primetime New Year’s Eve special, however, the tunes are strictly Wal-Mart: Avril Lavigne, Maroon 5 and—since Billy Idol is busy and the Thompson Twins couldn’t be located—Duran Duran. And it’s just not a party without “celebrity” NBC guests like Donald Trump and … Tom Brokaw’s Nightly News replacement, Brian Williams? Homebody Security code: Braised Periwinkle (Pretend TV isn’t there, like NBC does with Daly).

Iced Out New Year’s Eve (MTV): Hosted by multitasking skank Lindsay Lohan and a gaggle of useless VJs, MTV’s NYE bash has Green Day, Snoop Dogg, Ja Rule, Fat Joe and Jimmy Eat World slated to play—sounds legit, right? Sure, until Lohan squeezes her ubiquitous butt-crack into the proceedings with her craptacular sub-Britney single “Rumors,” a dry-humping piece of dance fluff that actually manages to make rival Hilary Duff seem like a credible Career Artist. Another Iced Out exclusive no one asked for: A preview of Jennifer Lopez’s new video, thus completing the circle of actresses who ca’t act, singers who can’t sing and booties that should be registered as WMDs. Homebody Security code: Spanked Scarlet (Unplug TV, cover with condom).

All-American New Year (Fox News Channel), Anderson Cooper Live From Times Square (CNN): With a new mandate from America, the conservative Fox News Channel naturally had to produce its first New Year’s Eve special with the values of Republicans, Christians and other Red State folks who like their entertainment honed down to the wholesome fine edge of a Nerf ball—on the upside, no Lindsay Lohan. Which just leaves Fox News reporters Alisyn Camerota and Steve Doocy (yes, the net’s heavy hitters—take that, Rebecca Gomez and Neil Cavuto!), who may have to throw down with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, who’ll also be in Times Square. Unlike Alisyn and Steve, squinty albino Anderson has musical guests, like The Roots and Green Day, who are apparently two-timing MTV. See? No morals in the Liberal Media. Homebody Security code: Tim Russet (Get to a bar, any bar—stat!).

Contact Bill Frost at frost@slweekly.com