Have you ever wondered who comes up with the names for different colors of paint? From “weeping wisteria” to “blushing begonia,” paint names rarely tell you a thing about the color, but they have a nicer ring than “Billie Sue and I slapped three gallons of #1146-23 on the bedroom walls with a #22365b trim.”

Equally amazing are the names of porn movies. Here are some of the winners from Brad Yung’s list of “The 100 Worst Porn Movie Titles” (the ones I can include in a wholesome family paper like the Weekly):

Moulin Splooge
Brassiere to Eternity
Big Trouble in Little Vagina
One Fell Into the Poo-Poo's Nest
Once, Twice, Three Times a Labia
Ass-Hole O Mio
May the Foreskin Be with You
She's Not a Lesbian ... She's a Vagitarian
Muffugnugen
Your Quim Is My Gym
Beyond the Valley of the Ultra Milkmaids
Hindfeld
Beverly Hills 9021-Ho!
Sperms of Endearment
Indiana Joan and the Black Hole of Mammoo
Shaving Ryan's Privates


Of course, these titles imply a level of creativity that’s a wee bit rare in the world of porn. More true to form are titles like “The Cheerleaders of Spanky State U” or “Bongwater Butt Babes,” with streams of X-rated raunch being only a download away.

Whether you are a poor fool like me who has occasionally tried to find intelligent hardcore movies, or a weary business traveler who grabs a tension-taming peek on his hotel room’s “adult entertainment” channel--there are new government regulations regarding porn that you should definitely be aware of.

Known as 18 U.S.C. 2257 or “2257,” these new regulations redefine the First Amendment as we know it.

2257 uses the excuse of fighting kiddie porn as its weapon of mass destruction. It requires anyone who either makes or distributes a sexually explicit image to have special certificates on file or risk a ten-year prison sentence for each offense. These certificates need to include government-issued photo IDs of all persons shown in the image as well as anyone involved in its production.

The record-keeping regulations of 2257 are such a nightmare that they require a 60-page document just to explain them.

Even if all you do is post a sexually-explicit image on your website, you are considered a “secondary producer” and may be eligible for ten years in the slammer if you don’t have the proper 2257 certificates on file. So is your internet service provider.

In a nutshell, 2257 says "It’s perfectly legal to post or distribute sexually-explicit pictures of yourself or any other consenting adult, but if you don’t have the required mountain of paperwork on file for each and every image, we can throw you in prison for a really long time."

You’d think these regulations would be limited to people who look like they are under 18. But post a sexually explicit picture of your grandmother without having the proper 2257 certificate on file, and you’re looking at possible time in prison, or you should be, anyway. And forget blurring the pixels around grannie’s privates--it’s the depiction of a sexually-explicit act that will get you nailed by 2257.

You’ll be hard-pressed to find many people who believe that these new regulations will do a thing to stop child pornography. The laws for dealing with kiddie porn are already on the books, and the producers of child pornography don’t use traceable distribution channels or offer secure webpages where you can pay for your porn with Visa or American Express.

It will be interesting to see what the nation’s Judges have to say about 2257. It will also be interesting to see what kinds of new technology the nation’s hackers come up with to help put the First Amendment back into the Bill of Rights.

For now, I strongly suggest you find something else to occupy your time than posting nasty pictures of yourself or your sweetie on the net. Maybe you could spend some time visiting your local paint store and use that pent-up stroking action to redo the walls in your office or guest bedroom.

Resources:
The most up-to-date website on 2257 is maintained by Adult Video News at www.AVN.com/2257

Paul Joannides is the author of "Guide To Getting It On, The Universe's Coolest & Most Informative Book on Sex." You can contact Paul at www.GoofyFootPress.com.
Copyright 2005 by Paul Joannides