Salt Lake City Weekly | October 25, 2005
Right now, CBS is the No. 1 network on television, fat with viewers and awash in revenue—not bad for a li’l underdog broadcast outfit owned and backed by a multi-zillion-dollar media conglomerate. Way to go, CBS! Knew ya could do it!

But where to go from here? The Only TV Column That Matters™, as always, has the answer: The greatest crossover event in the history of everything! I’m not talking about overlapping stories and characters between a couple of CSIs—I’m talking epic-scale November Sweeps incest between every show in CBS primetime!

It would begin Thursday night on Survivor, when the latest castaway kicked off the island goes straight to CSI as a dead body in a Las Vegas alley behind a Chinese restaurant, being eaten by rats. No sooner than Grissom smirks “Bet they’ll just be hungry again in an hour,” the CSI team is off to New York City, where the body has been identified as a missing person being sought by the FBI on Without a Trace. While the team investigates the case and works out a schedule of who’ll be sleeping with Agent Samantha that week, the body’s spirit moves on to …

Ghost Whisperer on Friday night, to pay a visit to Melinda and ask for her help; Dead Guy needs some kind of closure before he can move onto the Great Hereafter. He leads her to Dr. Caffrey on Threshold—though the weepy spirit channeler and the government scientist have nothing in common beyond perfect bangs and breasts, they quickly conclude that Dead Guy was a possible infectee of the deadly Alien Virus. They fly to Vegas to rendezvous with math-wiz Charlie from Numb3rs, who begins calculating murder fractions between trips to the Blackjack table.

Jump to Sunday, where Charlie adds up his findings and delivers them to Detective Lilly on Cold Case. Seems Dead Guy’s murder is identical to an unsolved case that occurred in her Philadelphia jurisdiction in the early ‘80s. Several pastel flashbacks and bad-hair days later, Lilly tracks a lead on the earlier victim to the New York suburbs and …

Doug on Monday’s King of Queens, who had partied back in the day with ‘80s Dead Guy after a Molly Hatchet concert. A series of wacky sitcom misunderstandings and family-friendly dick jokes drag the story through How I Met Your Mother, Two & a Half Men and Out of Practice, winding up on CSI: Miami. The animated cadaver of Horatio susses out that the murder vics were both shady club promoters in Miami, making this his CSI unit’s 845th case involving shady club promoters. Since everyone on his team has gone undercover in local dance clubs at least a dozen times each and can no longer go unrecognized, he calls in a favor to …

His old college bud Leroy on NCIS Tuesday, who just happens to have a Goth-y club girl on his own criminal investigation crew. Later, while Abby’s dancing and surveilling in the club, she spots Amazing Race host Phil, slumped over a bottle of Jim Beam at the bar, muttering something about “missing X profits” and “taking out that f—king Jeff Probst.” She trails Phil to a nondescript suburban home, where he makes a drunken late-night booty call to prosecutor Annabeth on Close to Home. Caught in the act by her husband, Annabeth cries hysterically and screams, “It’s my hormones! I just had a baby! Why won’t you understand?! Don’t make me kill you like I did that bastard in Vegas!”

Come Wednesday, all parties involved thus far believe the case to be solved, but are momentarily sidetracked by a pressing CBS investigation into why Still Standing and Yes Dear are still on the air. On CSI: NY, however, Detectives Mac and Stella uncover hard forensic evidence that Dead Guy was actually murdered in New York City and then dumped in Las Vegas. Telltale traces of Brylcreem and stage makeup lead them to Special Agent Jason Gideon on Criminal Minds, who confesses to the murder in a chilling closing scene: “Remember Dead Like Me? I was a Reaper … old habits die hard, Peanut. Say, who wants to hear a number from Evita?”

Reach Bill Frost at

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