The Lost Gospels of Julia Child

Boise Weekly | May 11, 2006
At the risk of damnation when I’m dead,

just what the hell is Ezekiel bread?

- Leo

A Tony Robbins tape once provided to me,

A guideline to help me converse:

One should always reflect, what the others project,

Which is why I will answer in verse.

Old Testament Ezekiel was directed to mix

barley, beans, spelt, millet and wheat.

God said, “Make it a dough, then prepare to lay low.

Thou shall listen, for my plan is concrete:

Lay left side down 3 hundred and 90-some days,

turn onto thy right for 40 days more.

Eat only this bread, lest thou rather be dead.”

“Oy” said ‘Zeke as he lay down on the floor.

There’s no discussion when you are commanded by God,

He’ll just ignore your complaining and moans,

Just lay there and eat; more than a year off your feet,

Seems this could only appeal to Star Jones.

Fast-forward to now, about two thousand years,

to the back of your prized health-food store,

“Not pagan Wonder Bread, gimme Ezekiel,” she said,

Target market: the veggie hard core.

Food for Life makes most of the stuff that is sold,

though they’ve changed-up the form just a bit.

They sprout all the seeds, a change it certainly needs,

Else it’s a doorstop, even zealots admit.

Beyond slices, the range of the products has grown,

to a holy food trade run amok –

Hot dog buns and tortillas, to pasta in pizzerias,

Lord, it’s a virtual Ezekiel potluck.

For special diets the stuff is a literal godsend,

Eat Right for Your Type thinks it’s nice.

And styles without wheat, can be considered a treat,

even Atkins-ians may scarf down a small slice.

Not limited to buying the corporate supply,

umpteen recipes can be found right online.

Bread machine versions are just as good for conversions

to angels and all things divine.

But wait: Further on in the Book of old ‘Zeke,

where Bible Bread chefs failed to tread,

God had one more decree, meant to test his devotee:

“Use human dung, not wood, for cooking this bread.”

You see, God’s plan was not the true spiritual fast,

nor was divine insight the ultimate goal.

The entire production was to threaten misery, destruction,

to get Jerusalem’s sin epidemic under control.

Strict diet? No worries. Immobility? Who cares?

But, the human crap thing made Ezekiel rebel.

Not sure, really, how – but the Lord changed it to cow,

Still, it sure changes that old “fresh bread smell.”

My conclusion regarding your eating this bread,

needs not my vast wisdom or expertise,

If you can choke it down, I say, “Go to town,”

With luck you’ll see Virgin Mary in your grilled cheese.

Thanks for indulging my answering your query in rhyme,

A task that involved me and forced me to think,

From prose I’m not weaned, but one insight I’ve gleaned:

It’s now clear to me why poets drink.

Boise Weekly

Boise Weekly was founded in 1992 and once upon a time it was Idaho’s only alternative newspaper. It’s still Idaho’s only alternative but Boise Weekly doesn’t call itself a newspaper anymore. These days, Boise Weekly a multi-media company with a...
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