Sexy Horoscopes Tell All

Monday Magazine | September 14, 2004
I’m not exactly an astrology expert, darlings (though I do know a thing or two about activities that can be dabbled in under the stars) but, like most folks, I do check my weekly horoscope with the fervency of a rodent in heat. Last week, after reading Georgia Nicols’ column, I got to wondering about sex and astrology. What does my sign say about my love life? What can it tell me about my lover? I’m sharing the results of my astrological research this week because I believe that if you’re going to pick up someone, you should at least have some background knowledge before you say that horrible (but useful) phrase: “Hey, baby, what’s yer sign?” Here’s what I know:

ARIES: Aries just love getting head. No, they love head—literally! Aries rules the head and face, hence these folks appreciate having their faces, hair and scalps caressed. I’m thinking shampoo, I’m thinking facials (several kinds, actually), I’m thinking scalp massage . . . The foreplay potential is endless, no? Aries are also spontaneous and tend to take the lead, so to speak, during sex.

TAURUS: The erogenous zone for Taurus is the neck (and particularly the throat) area. Now, now, darlings . . . don’t jump up and grab that spiked dog collar just yet! Taureans are also one of the more sensual signs, and they hate having their routines upset, so don’t even think about doing any strangle-play with them without discussing it first, because they hate surprises, especially in bed. (Not like moi!) Instead, gently nibble, lick and kiss your Taurus’ sensitive area and s/he’ll be putty in your hands. Hmmm, I wonder if those born under the sign of the bull might have a particular talent for deep-throating?

GEMINI: Those born under the sign of the twins are cerebral, responsive, and receptive to eroticism. Their arms and hands are extremely sensitive, so pay extra special attention to these areas as you tie your Gemini to the headboard. Geminis are also extremely tactile, so entice them into the bedroom with the promise of soft sheets and feather pillows.

CANCER: Boobies! Cancerians, both male and female, adore having their breasts attended to. They can be shy, but once you get those nipples erect, the possibilities are endless. Cancer women generally favour tight-fitting shirts to accentuate their, ahem, assets, and love having their melons squeezed while they cowgirl you. Cancer men shiver when you gently run your fingers over their chests and pinch their nipples. Fun, fun, fun!

LEO: Like the cats in the jungle, Leos are feisty and passionate in the sack. They’re into experimenting with new things, and although their sign rules the spine and back, they like their bodies to be worshipped in general . . . hmmm, that sounds like most of my playmates, but they weren’t all Leos. I must bring out the lion in my sleepy-time compadres!

VIRGO: Virgos can seem serious and uptight, but get a couple drinks into them and they’ll unwind like no other sign. Most of them are clean freaks, so forget about drunk party-fucks on flea-bitten couches—they won’t go for it. Aim for bubble baths or hot-tub sessions, and concentrate your tongue on their tummies.

LIBRA: The erogenous zone for Libras is the butt and lower back, so for those of you who prefer to be on the giving end of back-door action, a Libra may be your perfect match. They also carry stress in these areas, so try a nice oil massage to relax them before you ignite their passions.

SCORPIO: Scorpio folks are intense and explosively sexual. Their erogenous zone is pretty easy to find and concentrate on during sex, because it is centred around the naughty bits. I can think of no real advice on how to handle a Scorpio’s genitals, because pretty much anything you do will probably be dandy. But don’t tease too much. They like anticipation but will become annoyed if you don’t get to business in short order.

SAGITTARIUS: The sign of Sagittarius rules the hips, thighs and liver. It’s pretty tough to think of ways to titillate the liver, even for me, but the hips and thighs? No problem. They prefer light, sensual touches rather than gruff grabs, so be gentle. Sagittarians are supposedly also endowed with long, lean legs. I’m not sure how that’s relevant, but it helps me sound knowledgeable.

CAPRICORN: Capricorns are stubborn and lively, and their special erotic areas are their knees. Bite the kneecaps, stroke the kneepit, go to town. I must admit, I’m not especially fond of knees because I used to get teased that mine were knobby in highschool (although that didn’t stop me from getting on them every chance I got!).

AQUARIUS: Aquarians are über-sensitive around their calves and ankles, so kneel thee down and lick, suck, stroke and blow to your mouth’s delight. I once took a ranch holiday with a very talented Aquarian equestrian rider, and you should have seen him shiver with delight each time he inserted his feet into the stirrups . . . on the saddle, not the ones we hung over the bed, sillies!

PISCES: Indulgent Pisces people love sex, and their erogenous zones are their feet, so if you get all hot and bothered about toe-sucking, you and a Pisces will get along perfectly. Methinks it rather amusing that the symbol for this sign involves fish, because fish don’t have feet at all! Anyway, apparently Pisceans will also use their feet to enhance intimate moments, so if you’re freaked out by the idea of a playmate masturbating you with his/her footsies, shame on you, you prude!

Well, there you have it, my sublunary lovers! Oh, by the way, the book I used for research is called The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, by Joanna Woolfolk. It was a gift from a psychic pal I once entertained at my cabin on Pender. She didn’t predict that the ferries would strike, but she sure seemed to know that feeding me orgasms until the strike was over would make me feel better about missing work! TTFN, my lovelies! M

Monday Magazine

Founded in 1975 to provide a critical voice in Victoria's political and cultural communities, Monday Magazine continues to shake British Columbia's conservative capital city with tell-it- like-it-is features and reviews. Targeting educated, active adults and Victoria's growing youth market, Monday...
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