Miss Adventure -- Lustrology

Boston Phoenix | November 17, 2005
Dear Miss Adventure;

I read somewhere that you dabble in astrology. I’ve been searching the internet and I’ve found lots of sites that can tell me what I can expect for the my financial future or what I should really look for in a partner, but I haven’t found any information regarding my sex life. I’m a Taurus. What’s in store for me this week?

- Brad

Dear Brad;

Oh Miss Adventure does not merely “dabble” in astrology; she dives right in! But truly, Miss Adventure refers to her practice as “Lustrology.” Sure, one can go online and find many sites advertising free horoscopes, but who other than Miss Adventure could provide you with the sexual forecast? So read on, dear Taurean, to find out what this weekend has in store for you!

Aries: Sex will take a different turn when your lover calls you “Mama!” in bed. Especially if you’re a dude.

Taurus: Go buy candles for some dimly-lit loving. And because you forgot to pay the electric bill.

Gemini: A sensationally sexy person will grope you in the club. Grab that hand and head for the coat check.

Cancer: Try some puppy play this weekend. Just make sure your neighbors don’t see you peeing in your sand box.

Leo: Whip out the handcuffs and think of a safety word! Someone is about to attack yo’ fine ass!

Virgo: Add some dairy to your diet. Lick whipped cream off of your lover’s nipples and genitals.

Libra: Seduce the UPS guy in the elevator. So what if there are other people seeking the fourth floor? The more, the merrier!

Scorpio: If you’ve just escaped the clutches of commitment, celebrate with some break-up sex. Then celebrate again with some make-up sex.

Sagittarius: Bootie is blossoming around you. Pick one, grab it by the stem, inhale its fragrance, and then replant it in your garden.

Capricorn: It’s fun to insert unusual things where they haven’t been before. Just make certain 911 is on your speed dial!

Aquarius: One is fun. Two is a coup. Find out what three is, then move onto four. Stop at five because your sign is not good at multi-tasking.

Pisces: Your mom is going to find your Viagra. Lie. Tell her it’s allergy medication and then move out of her basement.

Hope this helps!

Lustfully yours,

Miss Adventure

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