Dead Lines

Salt Lake City Weekly | November 9, 2004
The CSI random quip generator!

They’re all practically the same (Gruff Older Investigator and Hot Babe Partner, armed with flashlights and Q-tips), but what really sets each of CBS’ CSI series apart from each other are the show-opening murder scene quips -- and now you can play at home! Bonus: Find the quip actually used on a recent episode of one of the CSIs and win … something.


Crime scene: Male body in UNLV frat house; pants around ankles, slumped over inflatable novelty sheep; signs of fraternity hazing and alcohol poisoning.

Quip 1: “Guess he was majoring in Animal Husbandry.”

Quip 2: “Congratulations—now you’re a member of Delta Sigma Die.”

Quip 3: “Ask not for whom the beer-bong tolls …”

Crime scene: Female body in alley behind nightclub; panties stuffed in mouth; ecstasy tabs in purse; cell phone in hand, Caesar’s Palace phone number on display.

Quip 1: “And that’s how you put the ‘E’ in C-O-R-P-S-E.”

Quip 2: “Didn’t mom ever say, don’t leave the house without clean underwear?”

Quip 3: “Some people will do anything to get out of Celine Dion tickets.”

Crime scene: Male body in desert outside of city; flesh mostly picked clean by vultures; Tourist’s Guide to Las Vegas in one hand, casino buffet receipt in other.

Quip 1: “Maybe no one told him that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

Quip 2: “Must be in town for the Unlucky Bastard convention.”

Quip 3: “One day you’re at the buffet, the next you are the buffet.”

Cue “Who Are You” theme song


Crime scene: Female body on beach near rich neighborhood; California ID and taxi receipt in pocket; iPod with hundreds of downloaded indie-rock songs in backpack.

Quip 1: “I don’t think this is how it’s done in The O.C.”

Quip 2: “Looks like downloading is killing more than the music industry.”

Quip 3: “So, where’s the death cab for this cutie?”

Crime scene: Pieces of unidentifiable body at site of bomb explosion in airport bathroom; anti-government literature and bomb-building instructions found in nearby briefcase.

Quip 1: “Looks like someone had the lunch special at the Taco Bell kiosk.”

Quip 2: “This why you don’t skip to the end of the instruction booklet.”

Quip 3: “Every part of him hated America—and that’s a lot of parts.”

Crime Scene: Female body in swamp near roadside motel known as a location for filming adult movies; naked except for high-heel shoes and tiara; bullet-entry wound in forehead.

Quip 1: “Soft-core porn doesn’t usually leave anyone this stiff.”

Quip 2: “I’d say swab the mouth for DNA, but we’d be here all night.”

Quip 3: “That’s probably not the money shot she was expecting.”

Cue “Won’t Get Fooled Again” theme song


Crime scene: Male body on subway station platform; business attire, Wall Street Journal in jacket pocket, Rolex watch; clutching money clip, stock brokerage firm business card.

Quip 1: “Looks like your portfolio has bottomed out.”

Quip 2: “Greed is good, but breathing is better, eh Bud?”

Quip 3: “Really hate to use this one, but … you’re fired.”

Crime scene: Female body in kitchen of Chinatown restaurant; strangulation marks around neck; signs of violent struggle, holes kicked in walls.

Quip 1: “Somebody’s not going to be hungry an hour later.”

Quip 2: “I’d say MSG stands for Man Strangled Girl.”

Quip 3: “We’re not going to let this killer wok away.”

Crime scene: Male body in alleyway behind hip-hop nightclub; stabbed and bloodied; identified as winner of the club’s turntablist competition earlier in the evening.

Quip 1: “Now his record’s been scratched and faded.”

Quip 2: “DJ didn’t chickity-check himself before he wrickity-wrecked himself.”

Quip 3: “Looks like someone turned the tables on him.”

Cue “Baba O’Reilly” theme song

Reach Bill Frost at

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