AltWeeklies Wire

Suspicious Zoo Deaths Linked to Violent Orangutannew

Officials at Hogle Zoo, under fire for the skyrocketing mortality rates for their animal inmates, announced that a Bornean orangutan named Talukan, had been elevated to the status of prime suspect in the mysterious deaths last January of zebras Taji and Monty.
Salt Lake City Weekly  |  D.P. Sorensen  |  03-30-2010  |  Animal Issues

Aqua Velva Man: Success Means Never Having to Say You're Sorrynew

“Well, I’m not apologizing for anything,” said Mit Romney. (Mit downsized his name at the same time he downsized his domiciles, so people would forget that he is the richest guy to ever run for president.)
Salt Lake City Weekly  |  D.P. Sorensen  |  03-16-2010  |  Commentary

Mit Saves the World, One Derelict Passenger At a Timenew

My old missionary companion Mit Romney is a bit of a fussbudget, so none of his close friends were surprised by the recent airplane incident, which I witnessed.
Salt Lake City Weekly  |  D.P. Sorensen  |  03-02-2010  |  Comedy

Mitt Will be President ... In the Fullness of Timenew

Mitt and his fans in Utah are not shy about lusting for the No. 2 spot. In fact, Mitt's minions enthusiastically posit a scenario in which Vice President Mitt moves into the Oval Office after the Grim Reaper removes its occupant.
Salt Lake City Weekly  |  D.P. Sorensen  |  04-17-2008  |  Comedy

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